From time to time I get emails from people asking me their advice. I don't know why but I try and help them and give them the benefit of the wisdom I have accumulated over the years.

Here are some samples of the letters I get and the replies I've sent back:

Dear Twenty,

I used to be in a very famous boy band but now everyone seems to think I'm a fuckwitted cocksucker. Is there anything I can do to improve my image in the fickle world of pop music?

Brian, Dublin.

Dear Bryan,

kill yourself. It worked wonders for the likes of Jeff Buckley. You never hear anyone say a bad word about him. If I could be so bold I suggest throwing yourself under a 15B, preferably when I'm on it.

Twenty

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Dear Twenty Major,

you appear to be a well-connected man. Do you know anyone who might be able to provide forged documentation, such as work visas, leaving cert results etc?

Kunle, Palmerstown

Yes, Kunle, I can, but it's very expensive. I have an alternative suggestion for you though. Have you ever seen a movie called 'Soul Man' where the white guy makes himself black so he can get into college easier?

All you have to do is make yourself white and change your name to Finbar Murphy. You'll save yourself a fortune on dodgy paperwork and with your underlying pigmentation you'll always get a great tan when you go on your holidays.

Twenty

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Dear Twenty,

is it a bit sick that my model girlfriend looks exactly like my pop-star sister?

Jim, Dundalk

Yes, it is. You're a pervert and you should probably kill yourself. If you don't want to go that far I recommend breaking up the band and moving to the Galapagos Islands. As soon as possible.

Twenty

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Dear Twenty,

despite the success of my insipid chick-lit novels I seem to have run out of ideas. Can you help me with a suggestion for my new book?

Cecilia, Dublin

Dear Cecilia,

how about this? 'Crappy author kills herself by throwing herself under a 15B on which a handsome, older man is travelling. After witnessing the suicide the ghost of the young author visits the handsome, erudite, fragrant older man until he calls Ghostbusters and sends the pesky spirit to hell forever and ever.'

I know I'd buy it.

Twenty.

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Dear Twenty,

although I'm a very powerful man my work chums slag me constantly for my Dublin accent and terrible stutter. Should I take elocution lessons?

Bertie

Dear B-b-b-b-bertie,

I think it would be better for all if you took electricution lessons. Up your hole.

Twenty

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Dear Twenty,

I've just started work on a national broadcaster (and my own blog) but I'm worried that people won't take me seriously with my zany, 80s, Sunshine101-style radio name. Should I have it changed by deed pole?

Rick, Dublin.

Dear Rick,

yes, I think you should change your name to Ulick Magee or Trevor Felch. Then you will go far, my son.

Twenty

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Dear Twenty,

I'm a well-respected gang leader but my men don't seem to have the same adoration for me that they used to. How can I win back their favour?

Gerry, Belfast

Dear Gerry,

here's what you have to do. Find a young father, stab him to death outside a pub, roundly condemn yourself for your actions, offer to shoot yourself as a mark of retribution then you'll find your men will love you again. Especially if you do actually shoot yourself.

Twenty.

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So there you go. As you can see all those people will go on to have happy, successful lives if they just follow my words of wisdom and sagacity.