Weddings make you realise things
I had to go to a wedding this weekend. It was as fun as any event where you're stuck with a lot of people you don't know can be. The worst part is the dinner though, at least beforehand you can mingle about. If you're talking to someone tedious and dull you can just say "Oh, I need to move my bowels" and when you come back you can talk to someone else.
Not at the dinner though. You sit down and lots of other strangers sit down.
"Hello, I'm Twenty. You? Hello Mary. Tom, you say? Hello, Tom. What's that? Benjamin? Sorry, Jennifer...." - and so on until you've all been told each other's name so you can promptly forget it again.
Anyway, I got sat beside a bloke who was the most tedious twat I have had the misfortune to meet in a very long time. He would only respond to things you said with one sentence and would never ask anything himself. Example:
Me: "So, how do you know the happy couple?"
Him: "I went to school with the groom."
Normal people might then expand on their reply and say "And how about you? How do you know the happy couple?", but he wouldn't.
Me: "What do you do for a living?"
Him: "I'm a primary school teacher."
Naturally there was no question as to what I did for a living. Of course had he asked I'd have told him to mind his own fucking business and stop being a fucking wanky nosed busybody. So while all the other people at the table got drunk and made ridiculous conversation about stuff they'd never usually talk about this bloke, who was with his girlfriend who was exactly the same as him, just kind of sat there smoking roll-ups and looking like an total cunt.
And you know what, as I'm writing this I've just seen an ad on the telly for Jamiroquai and it's made me realise that there are very few cunts in this world who are bigger cunts than Jamiroquai. Not even this bloke at the wedding is anywhere near as big of a cunt as Jamiroquai. One of the funniest things I have ever seen, and I've seen some funny stuff, was one of those TV shows called 'WHEN CELEBRITIES GO MAD' or something like that.
Jamiroquai bloke was going up and down the road asking some paparazzi blokes which one had the temerity to lay a finger upon his Lamborghini. He ended up talking to one bloke and went face to face with him saying "Did you touch my motor caaaaaaaar? Did you touch my motor caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar?" at which point the photographer just headbutted him as hard as he could. Seeing Jamiroquai bleed was one of the happiest days of my life.
So if you're ever at a wedding and you're stuck beside a boring cunt just remember it could have been worse. It could have been Jamiroquai.
Not at the dinner though. You sit down and lots of other strangers sit down.
"Hello, I'm Twenty. You? Hello Mary. Tom, you say? Hello, Tom. What's that? Benjamin? Sorry, Jennifer...." - and so on until you've all been told each other's name so you can promptly forget it again.
Anyway, I got sat beside a bloke who was the most tedious twat I have had the misfortune to meet in a very long time. He would only respond to things you said with one sentence and would never ask anything himself. Example:
Me: "So, how do you know the happy couple?"
Him: "I went to school with the groom."
Normal people might then expand on their reply and say "And how about you? How do you know the happy couple?", but he wouldn't.
Me: "What do you do for a living?"
Him: "I'm a primary school teacher."
Naturally there was no question as to what I did for a living. Of course had he asked I'd have told him to mind his own fucking business and stop being a fucking wanky nosed busybody. So while all the other people at the table got drunk and made ridiculous conversation about stuff they'd never usually talk about this bloke, who was with his girlfriend who was exactly the same as him, just kind of sat there smoking roll-ups and looking like an total cunt.
And you know what, as I'm writing this I've just seen an ad on the telly for Jamiroquai and it's made me realise that there are very few cunts in this world who are bigger cunts than Jamiroquai. Not even this bloke at the wedding is anywhere near as big of a cunt as Jamiroquai. One of the funniest things I have ever seen, and I've seen some funny stuff, was one of those TV shows called 'WHEN CELEBRITIES GO MAD' or something like that.
Jamiroquai bloke was going up and down the road asking some paparazzi blokes which one had the temerity to lay a finger upon his Lamborghini. He ended up talking to one bloke and went face to face with him saying "Did you touch my motor caaaaaaaar? Did you touch my motor caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar?" at which point the photographer just headbutted him as hard as he could. Seeing Jamiroquai bleed was one of the happiest days of my life.
So if you're ever at a wedding and you're stuck beside a boring cunt just remember it could have been worse. It could have been Jamiroquai.
| Permalink | 
I heard an ad on the radio the other day for the "great new album" from Jamiroquai. What was great about it? Nothing. The sample played on the ad sounded exactly like every other load of shite Jamiroquai have produced, ever since they first started out, trying to rip off crap 70s "soul".
Jay Kay, or whatever he's called is an arch-cunt.
Posted by
Sullivan |
9:41 PM
Hah! I saw that on the telly. The Journo, all five foot four of him, completely loafed Jaaaayyy Kaaaayyy, and then poor old Jay Kay had to be held back by one old lady and her arthritic fingers from going after him and giving him a sound thrashing. Monday was just Monday until you reminded me of that. It is, of course, still Monday, but the memory of that pretentious wanker reeling about with blood all over his pinstriped jacket has at least made it a very amusing Monday, thanks Twenty. Oh, and he actually refers to himelf as 'the cat in the hat,' the absolute gimp.
Posted by
fatmammycat |
10:29 AM
Idea for a TV show: Jay Kay and Liam Gallagher locked in a room. No cameras. Just leave them there.
Posted by
hungbunny |
12:01 PM
Stick (Lord) Sebastian Coe in there too. He drives me fuckin bananas.
Posted by
dickvandyke |
1:57 PM
From the OED: Cunt n. Jamiroquai.
I loved watching the little fucker bleed, shame he didn't do a bit more of it, for a short arsed twat like him a pint and a half should be enough to buy him a shroud.
A ring made out of barbed wire and electric cattle fencing with Jay Kay, both the Gallaghers, Jamie Oliver and Charles 'mad as eggs' Bronson. Now that would be reality TV that I would watch. Every time Charlie Ripped a head off one of them we could just throw another B lister in there to take his place.
It would be cheap to make as well, Charles would be paid in tinned pineapples (his favorite)
Posted by
Sir Findo Gask |
4:52 PM
Yeah right. If you do happen to wind up next to Jamiroquai at a wedding, look at the bright side. Jamie Oliver could have been seated on the other side of you.
If, by some streak of ill fortune, Jamie Oliver is seated on the other side of you, vacate the premises immediately.
Better still (lest you get invited to future celebrations): make sure you get thrown out. I can think of a multitude of exciting ways to get that done, several of them involving the heads of the abovementioned miscreants.
Don't worry too much about the hosts. A marriage like that is fucking doomed anyway.
Posted by
Ko |
10:56 PM
so twenty, besides jamirocunt being a cunt, were there any guests that were worth a second look?
Posted by
jaffrey |
4:15 AM
There was a very beautiful woman to my left during the dinner and a lady who looked like a space alien.
Posted by
Twenty Major |
6:52 AM
Sounds to me like yr a bit of a cunt !! Sorry ,.... cliche coming up......."A cunt is a useful thing and has a certain amount of depth to it !"....So ur not.
Posted by
Anonymous |
4:30 AM
Is it 'ur' or 'yr'?
Make you mind up, you illiterate fool.
Posted by
Twenty Major |
7:16 AM
I think the moral of this story is,if you do happen to be seated next to Jay Kay, Jamie Oliver, Liam Gallagher or that total wanker from Babyshambles at a wedding or any other social gathering for that matter. Then you must headbutt the bastards.
Posted by
Anonymous |
12:01 PM
top hit on google for jamiroquai cunt. good work
Posted by
jammus |
2:47 PM