Starbucks is for cunts
So Starbucks is coming to Ireland and not everyone is happy. They're opening a shop in the Dundrum Town Centre and there are plans for one on College Green but some people say having a Starbucks amongst the historical buildings there would not be right. Yes, that historical newsagents just down from the Molly Malone statue where the historical One Hour Photo used to be. It's shocking, it really is.
I'm not sure people have their priorities right though. The real reason we should object to Starbucks is not because of a tacky sign, nor because it's a giant corporation who probably use undernourished children to pick their coffee beas, nor because it increases the homogeny of the world we live in but because it serves shit, and exceptionally gay, coffee.
Soon Ireland will be introduced the 'Mocha-frappa-halfcaf-latte' and 'Choca-doodle-doo-decaf' and the 'No-caf-double-mocha-chocalata ya ya!' and franlky it's the last thing we need in this country.
There's enough pretension and cunts with more money than they know what to do with. The last thing we need is Starbucks language and Starbucks coffee.
I was travelling recently and was in a European capital where they have a Starbucks overlooking one of the most important historical sites in that city. You look around and you see pictures of the death and destruction that was wrought there. You stare in awe and wonder how the bits that survived actually survived and then you see Starbucks. Oh, goody.
I was with an American colleague who insisted we go in. I ordered a black coffee from the bloke while he ordered a triple-spunky-spume-latte. They have this system where they have two people on a till who ask you what you want, you tell them, they write it on the side of the paper cup and hand it to some poor Pakistani bloke who makes all the coffee while they stand there looking at the pretty girls.
Anyway, we sat down. I took a sip of my coffee and it was like drinking a cup of mud filled with Satan's armpit sweat. It was fucking minging and that's why we should be objecting to Starbucks. The names of the coffees are stupid and the coffee itself is like stewing your Guinness powered black shite in a cauldron of old toenails and dishwater.
After I took my sip I made a point of loudly spitting it back into my cup and shouting "Jeeeeeeeeeesus. What the fuck is this shit?"
Lots of people looked at me so I pointed at the cup and made a vomity mime at them. Then I left and I will never, never go to a Starbucks again.
When will somebody realise that a really good coffee shop in Dublin would actually make some money? I'd do it myself but that cunt McDowell wouldn't issue those café bar licences and if you think I'm going own a place where people come to drink and there's no booze then you can think again.
In short, Starbucks is for cunts.
I'm not sure people have their priorities right though. The real reason we should object to Starbucks is not because of a tacky sign, nor because it's a giant corporation who probably use undernourished children to pick their coffee beas, nor because it increases the homogeny of the world we live in but because it serves shit, and exceptionally gay, coffee.
Soon Ireland will be introduced the 'Mocha-frappa-halfcaf-latte' and 'Choca-doodle-doo-decaf' and the 'No-caf-double-mocha-chocalata ya ya!' and franlky it's the last thing we need in this country.
There's enough pretension and cunts with more money than they know what to do with. The last thing we need is Starbucks language and Starbucks coffee.
I was travelling recently and was in a European capital where they have a Starbucks overlooking one of the most important historical sites in that city. You look around and you see pictures of the death and destruction that was wrought there. You stare in awe and wonder how the bits that survived actually survived and then you see Starbucks. Oh, goody.
I was with an American colleague who insisted we go in. I ordered a black coffee from the bloke while he ordered a triple-spunky-spume-latte. They have this system where they have two people on a till who ask you what you want, you tell them, they write it on the side of the paper cup and hand it to some poor Pakistani bloke who makes all the coffee while they stand there looking at the pretty girls.
Anyway, we sat down. I took a sip of my coffee and it was like drinking a cup of mud filled with Satan's armpit sweat. It was fucking minging and that's why we should be objecting to Starbucks. The names of the coffees are stupid and the coffee itself is like stewing your Guinness powered black shite in a cauldron of old toenails and dishwater.
After I took my sip I made a point of loudly spitting it back into my cup and shouting "Jeeeeeeeeeesus. What the fuck is this shit?"
Lots of people looked at me so I pointed at the cup and made a vomity mime at them. Then I left and I will never, never go to a Starbucks again.
When will somebody realise that a really good coffee shop in Dublin would actually make some money? I'd do it myself but that cunt McDowell wouldn't issue those café bar licences and if you think I'm going own a place where people come to drink and there's no booze then you can think again.
In short, Starbucks is for cunts.
| Permalink | 
AHAHAHAHA ! Aha. ha.
Oh that was rich !
Rich indeed.
Twenty Major you are a card and no mistake. Are you available for bookings as an after-dinner speaker ?
Posted by
SockMonkey |
10:11 PM
The real reason we should object to Starbucks is not because of a tacky sign, nor because it's a giant corporation who probably use undernourished children to pick their coffee beas, nor because it increases the homogeny of the world we live in but because it serves shit, and exceptionally gay, coffee.
Unfortunately, one of the reasons that Starbucks is such a global phenomenon is precisely because its coffee is such shite. No one ever went broke by underestimating their target market, and Starbucks proves it.
Top post, Twenty.
Posted by
Gerry O'Sullivan |
10:59 PM
I make "vomity mimes" at people all the time, for no reason!
Passes the time, it does.
Posted by
muff diver |
11:10 PM
Surely it can't be any worse than that muck that bewleys used to dish out.
Nay, it couldn't be.
Posted by
Tommy |
12:25 AM
Thank you thank you thank you. this is the best and funniest blogs i have ever read.
you could even be a "fairdinkum yew beaut trueblue aussy" your that fuken good.
Posted by
Rudy Zarsov |
12:27 AM
Starbucks and other chains of that pestiferous ilk should be used as historical re-enactment sites.
I'm thinking that the entire Albigensian crusade, for example, could be re-enacted quite realistically, using management, staff and cunty customers.
If they didn't get the hint after that, we could move on to the Inquisistion, the Somme and other gore splattering favourites.
Did that come across as a bit too psycho?
Posted by
Dr. E. Scientist, phD. |
1:15 AM
Coffee is gay....
15
Posted by
Anonymous |
8:12 AM
True, Bewleys was awful shit , burned to a mouldy bitter bile and never hot enough, but at least people didn't carry that shit around in cartons taking sips and pretending to be so bloody busy that they can't sit down to drink their bloody over expensive coffee. God I'm so cranky this morning.
Posted by
fatmammycat |
8:16 AM
You're gay.
20.
How about a cup of coffee, FMC?
Posted by
Twenty Major |
8:40 AM
I'd go as far as to say that Coffee, and not just Starbucks coffee, is for cunts.
Tea is the only hot beverage that should be consumed by any man claiming to be straight.
Except a hot whiskey when you have the snuffles, obviously.
Posted by
Johnny5 |
9:32 AM
You're on 20, whatever time suits you, this being a friday and all...
Posted by
fatmammycat |
9:40 AM
Using a word like "Snuffles" and claiming not to be gay, hmmm.....
Posted by
Stringy |
10:24 AM
Yeah, I was fucking delighted to see Bewleys close down, the coffee was always shite and the old wans working as waitresses were mega mingers. Plus it was a good laugh seeing all the beardies and crusties whinging about losing a little bit of Dubbelin and how they got their first ride over a cup of Bewleys coffee and how tarnished the memory is now that Bewleys is gone. Anyway, it was only for unsuspecting culchies up from the bog, real Dubs would'nt put a foot across the threshold.
Posted by
Anonymous |
10:40 AM
"Using a word like "Snuffles" and claiming not to be gay, hmmm....."
I see your irony bypass was a complete success. Wishing you a speedy and full recovery,
Johnny5
Posted by
Johnny5 |
10:58 AM
Indeed johnny5, coffee is for cunts.
Especially the ones who "just cant get started" without a double, skinny fuckin latte and nonce sugar that tastes the same. Arse-fucking spastics, every last one of them.
A ferocious shake by the scruff and a toe punt up the arse is what these cunts need every morning.
In 1997 my friend Andy first drew my attention to the fact that "coffee is for cunts". How right he was and I will live and die by that same belief.
Why cant gay, cardboard bucket sipping fuck your liver instead of Absynth?
Posted by
sol |
10:59 AM
Hey Anonymous Dub ...
You're right that James Joyce wasn't a Dub at all, at all or any of the other literary greats because for a start they could 'read' and 'write'
Proper Dub me arse sunshine, unless your family has lived at least three to four generations inside of the North & South Circular you can't call yourself a Dub.
So go gargle your coddle n chips whilst you lick the love sweat off Jason Sherlock's back (another 'real' Dub).
Posted by
Anonymous |
11:11 AM
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Posted by
Anonymous |
11:55 AM
Damn right, Starbucks is for cunts with time on theirs hands.
Posted by
Sub-Comandante Vroome Fondol |
12:12 PM
I'm curious, who or what is a Jason Sherlock?
Posted by
fatmammycat |
12:33 PM
Jason Sherlock was the great, white hope of Dublin GAA.
And by white I mean Vietnamese boat person.
Posted by
Twenty Major |
12:48 PM
Twenty
I cant believe you are letting that tool get away with his Northampton photographer advert.
Posted by
sol |
12:51 PM
Thank you Twenty, I take it he wasn't GAA to the core then?
Posted by
fatmammycat |
12:59 PM
No, FMC, but he'd ruv you rong time.
Sol - I left it there on purpose.
Posted by
Twenty Major |
1:07 PM
"Jason Sherlock was the great, white hope of Dublin GAA.
And by white I mean Vietnamese boat person."
Genius. Pure genius.
As for that wedding phot cunt, he's a cunt.
Posted by
Johnny5 |
2:11 PM
Am a moderate Coffee drinker still prefer the Lyons or PG Tips though.
Tea of the American variety is like coloured hot water and tastes like piss.
I agree with Twenty, Starbucks is crap and wait until they start appearing like the plague as they have done in the USA. Imagine driving thru Kiltimagh and spotting one of these. Is Ireland a suburb of America and an Al Kida target. The D4 set will probably be the primary customer along with wanks visiting from the states.
If you are ever in Canada check out Tim Hortons for a decent cup of koffee, nearest one to you lot is in St Johns Newfoundland, bit of a swim....
Posted by
Nosmo King |
3:55 PM
I have a 2 man kayak, who's with me?
Posted by
Johnny5 |
3:58 PM
Kunle, in about 2 months.
Posted by
Twenty Major |
4:04 PM
So whats the general feeling on Maxwell house then, I'm ehh, just asking like, a mate of mine drinks it...
Posted by
Tommy |
5:28 PM
DO NOT follow that wedding photographer link! It is SPAM! SPAM, I TELL YOU! RUN! Even if it isn't, he's used one of those fucking smiley face thingies...definitely a cunt.
Posted by
Andraste |
7:08 PM
Nosmo King,
Tim Hortons is pure shite, and it is now owned by Americans by the way!
Posted by
muff diver |
7:56 PM
Oh shit, another piece of spam (the Nottingham link) on blog comments. I've seen this kind of thing pop up all over the blog world in the past week. Twenty please do something: either delete the bastard or write to him in your own inimitable way...
Enough now, it's the end of the week and I'm off to get a venti, three shot, de-caff, non-fat, mocha frappuccino with whipped cream. Have a nice evening!
Posted by
Mad Dog |
2:12 AM
And whats wrong with a mug of bovril and a crust of fuccin bread to get ya going in the mornin eh ?
Posted by
Dubliner in Sydney |
9:37 AM
Starbucks are already in Ireland- they are in both Belfast and Antrim you Dublin centric arrogant feck. If it hasn't happened in Dublin it hasn't happened, is that it. And don't offer the 'when I meant Ireland, I meant the Republic excuse, cause that would just make you a FreeState southern Unionist'.
Let the punters (i.e. the market) decide where they get their coffee, free market economics rocks.
bob
Posted by
bob |
2:02 PM
Is this Slugger O'Twenty or did I miss something?
Anyway Bob, we all know Northern Ireland isn't a real country.
Posted by
Twenty Major |
4:22 PM
Oh I am laughing so much. Thanks.
Posted by
Morning-Loves-It |
11:34 AM
carry that shit around in cartons taking sips and pretending to be so bloody busy that they can't sit down to drink their bloody over expensive coffee
That's just not true (anymore). They're too bloody busy to drink their over expensive pro-biotic joghurt before they cross the street to avoid the bus queue.
Posted by
Anonymous |
10:20 PM
NI is not a real country because you Free State betraying cunts left us to rot with the Occupiers.
The irish government have invented a time machine - it's called the M1 Motorway to the North - sends you back in time 300 years.
Posted by
bob |
3:41 PM
How about this for an approach to Starbucks?
I'm Irish. Irish people aren't that into coffee, really. Whenever I have coffee, it's so I won't throw it back like tea. I couldn't tell a mochachino (sp?) from a frappachino (again, sp?) but I had a latte in a Starbucks in London once and I thought it was the business.
As evil multinationals go, Starbucks aren't the worst. It's just trendy to give out about them, ever since that (very good) joke in Austin Powers and a piss-take on South Park. Starbucks coffee might be muck to you, but milky tea is muck to me and yet I don't berate people for drinking it.
Basically, if Irish coffee shops gave what Irish people wanted in coffee etc. then Starbucks will fail. If they haven't, Starbucks will dominate. And judging by the queues in Dundrum, it looks like they'll be opening 3 more there before too long.
Posted by
JayeL |
9:37 AM
Congratulations, you're Irish, clapity fucking clap.
Posted by
Anonymous |
7:34 PM
Fair dinkum - Starbucks, Micky D's and any other corporate wank food IS for cunts... I wonder if the cream in the their frappocinos is wanked out by chinese prep cooks. Remember what happened in Bray a while back.. jaysus!
Posted by
Anonymous |
10:42 AM
You fuckin' idiot
You lost any chance of credibility when you dribbled that shit about the been-picking by undernourished kids. FairTrade ring a bell you monkey??
Educate your ignorant arse:
http://www.fairtrade.org.uk/
You clearly know fuck-all about them or anything else in your empty head.
I'm sure your enlightening tale sounded good in your head while drunk, but it should've stayed there.
You're just another inbred farmer's son, dragging the country down... Nice one one knacker.
Posted by
Anonymous |
4:13 PM