"So up the top field she had a donkey. Well, it wasn't hers. One morning she woke up and found it there. We think it jumped over the wall and liked it there so it stayed."

"Maybe it was a magic donkey and it flew in."

"Don't be silly, Twenty."

"Aye, and a fucking puissance donkey makes so much sense."

"It's-a-not impossible", said Lucky Luciano. "In Livorno was a man-a who was a-driving to work on quiet road when *improvvisamente* a cow a-jumped over the wall and landed on the bonnet. He had a stroke and a-spent-a the rest of his a-life dribbling in a home."

"You Italians are fucking mental. What about this bleedin' donkey anyway, Dave?"

"Well, I used to go and give it a carrot each day. Or if not a carrot it seemed to like a cucumber. Ocassionally a courgette or even a banana."

"I see...."

"Well, one day I was rubbing in on the nose and all of a sudden it got a huge erection and started looking at me funny."

"Funny how?"

"Like he wanted to stick me with his donkey cock."

"A wonderful image, I have to say. What did you do?"

"I punched him in the face."

"You punched a donkey in the face?" asked Jimmy the Bollix.

"Yep. Eight times. Made his stiffy go away let me tell you. Wrecked my fucking hand though."

"I once punched a kestrel in the face", said Stinking Pete. "The cunt must have thought I was a vole or something. Kept divebombing me. This wasn't out in the country either. I was walking down Talbot Street. Fourth time he came at me I swung at him got him right in the beak, the cunt. He fell under a number 27 bus and got crushed to death. Serves him right."

"Shame people didn't do that with pigeons when they first started hanging around. Now you can walk right up to a pigeon and they barely get out of the way. I boot them the plague carrying cunts."

"We know, Jimmy. The ISPCA love you."

"What about the French? They eat pigeons."

"French people are a-mental. They eat a-merda."

"They're all gone mental at the moment, eh? All that rioting over two scumbags who fried themselves on an electric fence. Daft, if you ask me."

"It's terrible in Paris though. I heard some of the rioters got pushed into the river."

"Really?"

"Yeah, they went insane."

"Oh har, har, Twenty, you cunt."

"I don't get it."

"So what's new, Dave."

"No, really, I don't get it....."