"You know I think, Twenty?", asked Dirty Dave.

"That Oompa Loompas are real and that Offaly is a made up fairytale land", I replied.

"Don't be daft. I was thinking about the whole war in Iraq thing."

"Really? Normally you don't think about much apart from how much fun it's going to be to scrape the dirt from under your fingernails and when Creme Eggs are going on sale."

"I have another side to me, Twenty. Deep down I'm a deep thinker with a socio-liberal political outlook."

"What exactly do you mean by 'socio-liberal."

"Erm, that's not the point. The point is that I was thinking about the situation I mentioned previously and for me it boils down to one thing."

"Is that right?"

"Yep, that's right. Some people might say the war in Iraq is simply a way of keeping America's arms and aerospace industries ticking over. They need war to keep going but I don't think it's down to that. Some people might say that George W Bush is just doing what his Daddy tells him and George Sr wasn't able to to take Saddam out and this whole thing is about revenge but that theory doesn't convince me either. Then there's the whole oil thing and how America wants to control Iraq's vast supply of oil as its own supplies are piddling by comparison. But that's not it."

"Well, you've covered the main ones there, Dave. What's your theory."

"Beard envy."

"What?"

"Beard envy. On a deeply subconscious level George W Bush and most American men are jealous of the fullsome beards that Saddam Hussein and other Iraqi men can grow. This deep rooted envy is projected via the vast war machine. Notice how they haven't waged war upon the Canadians and nobody can say they don't deserve it but the Canadians, due to their race being diluted by the French, have the facial hair of a mangy dog. The same with the Mexicans, their wispy half-taches don't warrant military action. The greater the beard the more the beard envy and the greater chance their is of war."

"Interesting theory, Dave, I have to say. It's a wonder they didn't invade East Germany when you think about the women athletes they used to send to the olympics."

"Aye, and that's a rather fullsome set of whiskers you have there, Twenty. You'd want to be careful yourself."

"Hmmm, I was wondering why Donald Rumsfeld rang me up yesterday asking if I wanted to buy arms."