So two Americans came into Ron's last night. I have no idea how they found it because it's well off the beaten track but nevertheless in they came and they sat down at the bar. They were also both the spitting image of that bloke from Cameo who wore the codpiece.

They ordered a pair of Guinness and sat talking amongst themselves oblivious to the fact they were as out of place in Ron's as Brian Kennedy in a room full of people who aren't complete and utter cunts.

I was sitting with Jimmy and Dirty Dave who seemed fascinated by them.

"I once had a dream that I was having sex with 80s pop star Sinitta", he told me and Jimmy. "When I licked her she was all salty. Since then I've always wondered if all black people were salty or is it just sweaty 80s pop stars in the throes of dreamariffic sex."

"Why don't you ask them?" I said and fair enough, the mad fucker did.

He said "Lads, hope you don't mind me interrupting you but if I was to give one of you lads a lick on the belly would you be all salty or would you just be kinda normal tasting?"

They looked at each other completely bewildered that somebody would ask them that and I can't say I blame them. Anyway, we fell into conversation and they told us their names were Tony and Marcus and they were in Dublin as part of a European tour. They were from New York.

"We love Eye-er-land, don't we Tony?"

"Nigger, please. Eye-er-land rocks. The people here are so friendly and nice, if a little strange with their questions."

"You're not wrong there, my nigger", said Marcus and they continued to call each other 'nigger' for most of the evening.

Dave was feeling a little bit sheepish about his question though as it was fairly obvious these guys would not be salty like Sinitta but, having witnessed the way they drank, probably taste like beer and Southern Comfort. He decided he'd better make up for it by getting them a drink.

During the next pause in conversation he piped up "So, can I get you two niggers a pint?"

Well, you could have heard a pin drop and Ron's is carpeted.

"Dude", said Tony, "You can't say that."

"Why not?" asked Dirty Dave.

"Because it's only OK for black people to call each other 'nigger'. It's not OK for a white person or a yellow person or anyone else to call a black person a 'nigger'. It's racist."

"I wasn't being racist at all. I just heard you call each other 'nigger' all night long so I figured it would be all right to say it."

"Well, you can't."

"Fair enough, would you two rappers like a pint then?"

"We're not rappers, you silly little man!"

"Oh, it's just that whenever I lash on that MTV all the rappers are calling each other 'nigger' so I figured you must be straight out of Compton like."

"As it happens I am an interior designer whilst Tony works in a ladies shoe store."

"Right you are then. Would you two queers like a pint then?"

"Two Guinness and blackcurrant please!"