Imagine the scene. You are in a queue in a supermarket or a bank or the post office. You get an itch on your head. What do you do? Exactly. You scratch it.

The same if you get an itch on your arm, your leg, your foot or your back (even though scratching them makes you look like some kind of Tom Waits style 'tard).

Ok, so imagine yourself in the same queue and you get an itch on your bollocks. Why is it that people look at you with such horror and disdain if you scratch? I'm not scratching to give myself pleasure, you four-eyed harridan, I'm just trying to relieve myself of the itch on my scrotum. There's nothing dirty about it, it's totally natural.

The other thing you need to bear in mind before you stare at me with such disapproval is that it's a well known fact that if you don't scratch an itch you get another itch in a much worse place. So you get an itch on your head, you ignore it and another one pops up on your shin and you ignore than and another one pops up on your arse. Ask anyone who has spent time in a plaster cast, they'll back me up.

You have to scratch otherwise an itch on the bollocks can only lead to two places:

1 - An itch right on your ringpiece or somewhere in the crack of your arse
2 - That bit between your balls and your hole

So Lady Muck, I either scratch my bollocks in the first place or you're going to witness me dig around my pants to scratch my hole or my gooch. It's up to you. I don't care. I'm going to do it anyway.

If I'm itching I will scratch and I don't care who sees me so you can fuck right off or I will lift my leg and fart at you because that's perfectly natural too. If you don't fart you leave yourself open for spontaneous combustion and I'm not going that way, no chance.