So the World Cup starts tomorrow. Excellent, this means non-stop football on the telly.

I'm glad Ireland aren't there to be honest. I find it hard to get myself revved up supporting players just because they happen to be Irish when I've spent the whole season hating them because they play for teams I hate in the Premiership.

Robbie Keane. He's like a 21st century Desperate Dan. What an enormous jaw he has. No problems putting away those cow pies, that's for sure. The thing is Robbie plays for a team I hate so why, all of a sudden, am I supposed to cheer him on when I'm hoping all season long he'll somehow fracture his anus and his cruciate ligament goes on fire.

I'm not really following any team in particular this year, just hoping for some good football and memorable moments.

Underdogs beating favourites, cracking goals, some scandal involving some famous players, handball goals against the English, mad Africans booting the ball away at free kicks and Jimmy Magee's commentary.

I haven't missed a World Cup final since 1958 when Pelé scored two. I've always been fairly neutral but I badly wanted Holland to win in 1978. Without the talismanic Johann Cruyff they played the hosts, Argentina, in the final.

The Argies won after extra-time and Mario fucking Kempes but I don't think I've ever seen so much toilet paper on a football pitch as in that World Cup. It's no wonder the Argentinian economy has gone to shit. They're so wasteful.

Despite my reluctance to support Ireland I have to say Italia 90 was good fun. So much drinking. I remember coming across town when we played Romania in the second round. The streets were empty. There wasn't even a Romanian beggar to be seen.

Dirty Dave didn't have a happy night when we crashed out to Italy though. He was walking up Nassau Street having watched the game in Club Nassau and some bloke walking alongside him kicked the lights in on a car. When the owners of the car caught up with Dave they were convinced it was him that kicked their lights in and they pummeled him into hospital for 4 weeks.

That would never have happened if Toto Schillachi hadn't been born but how can we hate a man who has given us such classic hits as 'Africa' and 'Rosanna'?