I was reading about David Bowie the other week and it was interesting to discover his 'cut up' method for his lyrics. Basically he'd write a lot of lyrics, then cut them up into single lines, throw them all in the air, take a lot of cocaine then put them back together randomly to find the lyrics for his songs.

For example,

I, I wish I could swim.
Like conger eels, like conger eels can swim

was quickly discarded when he found a piece of paper with the word dolphin on it.

So, I decided to do something similar but with booze instead of cocaine as drugs are bad, mmmkay and Derek the dealer was nowhere to be found. I wrote 10 blog posts and I'll take a line from each one and put them together randomly. Here goes:

- I can remember as a small child looking out my bedroom window one night and seeing a cat underneath the tree in the garden and thinking it was a sabre-tooth tiger.

- Not long afterwards a quiet hush descended on the room as Stinking Pete let the loudest fart anybody had ever heard.

- "Yeah? Come over and say that you chicken shit piece of dog spunk", I shouted as yer man ran shrieking out the back door.

- Twice as many people from Ghana revealed that they would rather listen to Wang Chung's 'Everybody have fun tonight' than spend an hour in the company of former Boyzone star Shane Lynch.

- And with that the old man revealed to me the meaning of life, all the secrets of the universe and how to make an elixir which would bring eternal youth and I'll tell you what it is on the very next line.

- I ask you, would you be able to get the image of MIchael McDowell gently opening Mary Harney's flaps before sticking his forked tongue in and out of it while the Minister for Health made strange bleating noises?

- If I had to cast a live action Irish blogger's version of the Muppets I'd hire Damien Mulley and Gavin Sheridan as Waldorf and Stadler - they're not as grumpy as the originals but those Cork accents are just funny enough to make up for it.

- So first you get some butter, melt the butter, slap it on generously and then insert it into the obvious place making sure not to get it caught on any of the barbs as they can cause serious injury.

- "Get fucking cunted you cunting wankstained shit-eating, cock smoking, piss drinking, mutant faced cunthammering cuntbag fistoholic", said the old lady to the small child.

- So, as you can see the way to solve the crisis in the middle-east is to send all fat people to live there after we've smeared them with coarse cut orange marmalade and dressed them up like the Artane Boy's Band.

And there you have it. Maybe I need a tune to make it all work. The Laughing Gnome, perhaps?