So the report into the activities of former Taoiseach Charles Haughey was published and there can't have been any surprises. Here is a man who stole money from a fund collected to raise money for his colleague and so-called friend, Brian Lenihan, to have a liver transplant in the US. Over £265,000 was collected, less than £70,000 went towards the treatment.

The rest went, no doubt, on expensive monogrammed shirts, tongue exercisers for licking out Terry Keane and the upkeep of his estate in Kinsealy. The report said he 'lived a life and incurred expenses vastly beyond a scale of public service entitlements'. So, enormous estate and sex toys aside what did he do with all that cash? Here are a few examples of how he squandered our money:

1 - He had a shooting range on his grounds but, in a typically trailblazing way, it was like that film 'Hostel' where people could pay to shoot coloured people from all over the world. He'd smuggle in foreigners, and people from Roscommon, in crates of bananas then dress them in deer costumes. He'd starve them for weeks then let them loose in a field full of Wham bars at which point the wealthy hunters would blast them to kingdom come. The bodies were then sold to Albert Reynolds for dog food.

2 - He befriended talented orphans and ensured they became famous in later years, continuing his politics with subliminal messages in their work. It's little known, but well proven, that if you read a Cecilia Ahern novel backwards your brain will be so scrambled you'll vote for Fianna Fail no matter how much proof there is of them being a shower of feckless liars, thieves and fabulist cunts. It's also a much better read apparently.

3 - He introduced the 'gay' to Ireland. All our best gays kept emigrating. Oscar Wilde, Terry Wogan, Arthur Conan Doyle and Siobhan Fahey from Bananarama were all camping it up across the water and the lack of Irish gays meant events like the Eurovision song contest and Barbara Streisand concerts were hopeless failures. To combat that Haughey bought 'The gay', a little magic man from somewhere over the rainbow, and he went around touching people on the back, saying 'You're it'. It was only meant to be a limited experiment but it appears 'The gay' is still at large somewhere in the country.

4 - Despite his power Haughey had many opposers, those who weren't fooled by his sweet talk and charm. Unsurprisingly a large number of them disappeared. Former Fine Gael leader, Garret Fitzgerald, suffered nightly kidnap attempts for a three year period. What is not well known though is how he disposed of the bodies. When the ha'penny bridge in Dublin closed for renovations in 2001 Haughey instructed his minions to dig up the bones and commanded Harland and Wolff, who were carrying out the repairs, to use them in the process. It is now said that if you cross the bridge late at night and if the wind is blowing the right direction you can hear them cry out. 'Haugheeeeey, you cuuuuuuuuuunt!', they say.

5 - When he was the most famous person in Ireland Haughey decided that he should have his own website devoted to how fantastic and cool and awesome he was. This was before the world wide web was even invented. So, he hired a team of scientists from all over the world, and Germany, to invent a time machine to go into the future, invent the internet, set up a website which would post pictures of him and witty comments about him as he went around doing his day to business.

The flaw in the plan came about when he and his team set the site up too far into the future at which point he was a knackered, bed-ridden, forgetful old cripple. So now Blogorrah just posts pictures of somebody called Glenda Gilson. Apparently Haughey turns in his grave on a daily basis. Well, he would if his body wasn't encased in concrete just in case some Resident Evil style zombie action were to go down one day.

So there you go. What a man. What a cunt. Can we have our fucking money back please?

Labels: cunt, haughey, money